Tip #18: How to Remain Single

Marriage and monogamous relationships, in general, are becoming epidemic. In some cases, the epidemic provides a warm, comforting blanket to the individuals infected. However, there are many folks terrified by this plague for varying reasons. Some feel that by entering into marriage, they are giving up a sense of themselves, of their independence and equate commitment with death. Others fear making the wrong decision. The concept of spending an eternity with the same woman or man that turns out to be the very living embodiment of Satan is simply too much to bear; therefore they shun the idea of marriage altogether, preferring the comforts of familiarity to the fear of the unknown. It is these individuals that we’ve catered to with this survival tip.

1.    When spending time in a public forum that’s ripe for potential socialization, it’s best to appear unapproachable. Do not make eye contact with the other patrons. If applicable, maintain focus on the television screen even if it’s something preposterous like gerbil racing. If there’s an empty seat next to you, fill it with your coat or handbag so as to prevent a stranger from feeling friendly enough to sit down and strike up a conversation with you. If someone fails to pick up on these anti-social vibes you’re throwing down, use minimal words to express yourself, do not make eye contact, seem enthralled with your food, appear totally bored with them, etc. You get the point.

2.    Deodorant. In this case, it’s not your friend. It’s unfortunate that this will result in alienating some of (or majority of) your peers, friends, and family, but this is a necessary casualty of war. You don’t want to seem attractive to the opposite sex. Let’s face it. No one wants to bang stinky.

3.    It goes without saying that mean people suck. If you’re a big enough asshole, there’s not a sane person on this planet that’s going to want to date you. Just tone it down a notch for family and friends. You want to be single, not ostracized. You also don’t want your ass kicked.

4.    Eliminate flair. It’s great that you have eclectic hobbies and a great personality, however that’s exactly that kind of crap that’s going to land you a significant other. Keep the scintillating aspects of your person to yourself. It’s important to appear as bland as possible to the opposite sex otherwise you may give the impression that you are a “catch.” When attempting to channel this inner bore, try to imagine that you’re a saltine cracker. Saltine crackers are functional, but there’s absolutely nothing interesting about them.

5.    If you’re someone who may not want to commit to one dish in particular, but still want to partake in the buffet, steps #1 through 4 are not for you. Steps #5 and onward will cover getting action without committing to one flavor. For those of you strictly interested in one-night stands and nothing more, there is no need to even exchange phone numbers with the person you had sex with. In fact, last names are unnecessary as well seeing as how that opens the door for that person to stalk you out on Facebook. There IS, however, a great need for you to use a condom. It’s called STD’s and accidental pregnancy, neither of which are appealing. Google it if you don’t believe us.

6.    Perhaps the idea of a one-night stand repulses you slightly. You’d like to keep your “Number” a reasonably low one. You don’t want to risk venereal diseases or disgusting potential mates with an extraordinarily high “Number.” You’re good with having a consistent partner (or two) as long as it doesn’t require you to alter your single status. In order to accomplish that, it’s important not to present yourself as too available or else you run the risk of being unknowingly backed into a relationship. You do not need to respond to every stupid phone call and text message. You do not need to see each other every weekend. “Date Night” is not something that you should allow yourself to be sucked into. “Date Night” is for couples, something you have no desire to be a part of. You are also not a wedding date. Again, being sucked into a wedding that you were not invited to yourself is something that only happens to people in relationships. Always attend a wedding stag. You never know who you’re going to meet and having a date with you will only weigh you down.

7.    Do not let any of your penetration partners store shit at your home. On the flipside, do not store any of your shit at their home. Your place is yours. Their place is theirs. Never shall the two meet. Keeping things separated is the only way you can truly keep your lives separate. Once you start allowing your bedmate to encroach on your territory, the game is over.

8.    Needless to say, there is absolutely no reason to have this person you’re being noncommittal about meet your family or for you to meet theirs. Meeting the family allows an individual to gain insight to who you are, which is way too personal for someone you don’t care about. If you have no plans of bumping this individual up from bedmate to boyfriend/girlfriend, what is the point in complicating matters?

9.    No sleepovers. If you’re just looking for sex without any sort of emotional attachment, there is absolutely no reason to sleep with this person. Sleeping together implies a sense of intimacy. Intimacy toes the line of relationship, whether it’s a fully committed one or a quasi-committed one.

There is a fine line between having a detached sexual relationship and a casual, but meaningful one. Before getting yourself involved with an individual, you need to decide what you’re looking for. If you actually have or want emotional ties to the person you’re casually sleeping with, but still do not want a commitment, the above steps are not going to help you. They’re designed to keep your partner at an arm’s length at all times, limiting emotional involvement. They’re designed to ensure complete and total independence. In fact, following these steps is pretty much a guarantee that the person you feel affection for will avoid sleeping with you at all costs. The choice is yours. Choose wisely.

Tip #17: How to be Late to Work Without Suffering the Consequences

Let’s face it. We’ve all been late to work before. In some cases, there are those who are late on a consistent basis (The CEO’s, on the other hand, are never late for a job unless it’s strategically beneficial). We’re here to tell you that being late isn’t the problem. It’s the aftermath of being late that hurts.

1.    The simplest way to avoid punishment is to not get caught. Take the back door and/or whatever route to your desk that will avoid 98% of the office population. Slide into your chair, turn on your computer, and start shuffling papers and files around as if you’re actively working on something so that to any random passerby, it looks as if you’ve been there the entire time.

2.    If you’re busted arriving late, be apologetic. Apologizing will go over a lot smoother than kicking your boss in the groin and running away in a zig-zag pattern.

3.    Having a good reason for bad behavior often garners sympathy from figures of authority. Think about it. Does anyone get pissed off at Superman for destroying the city after he single-handedly prevents a trio of creepy black leather-clad beings hailed from another planet from eradicating the city’s population? No! They applaud his heroics! Here are a few suggestions that have worked for us in the past:

·         “I was in a car accident. I’m a little shaken up, but thankfully no injuries.” Just make sure there aren’t any witnesses to shut down this excuse. We did have an instance in which a fellow claimed he’d be in an accident and it turned out that he had been in an accident…the night before in the office parking lot in front of several of his peers. His bumper was left on his manager’s desk.

·         “I was just about to leave the house, which would’ve guaranteed that I would’ve been here on time, when Zombieland came on. I don’t know why, but every time that movie is on, I have to sit and watch it through the end no matter what I’m doing. It’s a sickness. I don’t know what to do about it.” This excuse is so bizarre that there’s no way your boss will think you’re lying, hence the genius of it. Sure, he/she may think you’re mentally unstable, but at the most, all he/she will be able to do to you is recommend you seek therapy (which you’ll gladly do because then you can use your appointments as excuses to leave work early).

·         “Instead of getting dressed for work when my alarm went off, I stayed in bed to play with myself, so it took a bit longer for me to get ready than usual, which of course, got me on the road later than usual, and now here we are.” This is especially effective if you’re a woman with a straight male boss. Combine this excuse with big boobs (or a push up bra) and a low cut blouse and we pretty much have a no-fail situation. While less effective with a straight female boss, she should be able to at least understand where you’re coming from.

·         “My friend and I couldn’t fathom why there didn’t exist such a thing as an email high-five, so we spent the better part of the morning writing the perfect HTML code to create one in an effort to improve communication across the email galaxy. It took some time, but the good news is that we’re really on to something big here. It’s groundbreaking stuff.” As you can see, this shows your boss that you were late for legitimate work-related issues as opposed to being late because you’re lazy and inept. Actually, since it’s work-related, you’re technically not even late! You may even get a promotion for taking the initiative to create something fresh and exciting and to do it outside of your scheduled work shift.

4.    Sometimes, it’s not your boss that’s going to nail you to the cross. There are occasions when the person itching to string you up is the office’s token “Dwight Schrute.” He/she wants to be well-liked by the boss, which will hopefully lead to advancement. In order to do this, he/she is willing to sacrifice as many people as possible. Removing this obstacle is an easy matter, but it requires stealth and a pair of balls. Either you have to be ballsy enough to call the professionals (i.e. Mako Services, Inc.) to eliminate the problem on your behalf or competent enough to do it yourself. Once the example has been set, no one will ever tattle on you again.

Obviously, the easiest way to avoid getting into trouble for being late is to not be late, but we at Mako Services, Inc. strongly feel that there are some things that are just not worth being on time to. Unless you are a ninja assassin, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, fire fighter, and/or EMT, there’s just no good reason for you to arrive at your place of employment on time. We understand. However, your straight-laced and non-innovative superiors will not understand. Therefore, keep some believable and reliable excuses handy at all times.

Tip #16: How to Survive a Hurricane

With the entire eastern seaboard monitoring Hurricane Irene and of course, panicking as if we’re about to be hit by a meteor, we felt it time to educate you simple folks on surviving a hurricane.

Be sure you have all the tools necessary to hold down the fort for an extended period of time without power (which means no television, internet machines, or cable. You understand?). The essentials are as follows:

1.    A ridiculously large amount batteries in all sizes (INCLUDING back up batteries for your cell phones). Even if you think you’ve got more batteries than a small country could ever use in a lifetime, you haven’t got enough. Just think of all the items you’ll be using that require batteries and you don’t know how long you’ll be without electricity. Seriously. Just THINK about all the things you can use batteries for.

2.    Flashlights. Thank goodness you have all those batteries, right?

3.    Candles in different sizes, shapes, colors, and scents. It’s important to have a variety. You don’t want to get sick of something that you may be stuck with for a long period of time.

4.    Reading material – books, magazines, pornos, dictionaries, Mad Libs, whatever will help you pass the time that typically would’ve been spent watching television and Facebook stalking.

5.    Toys in varying speeds, sizes, functions. You don’t want to become bored with using the same one over and over. Besides, what ELSE are you going to do if you’re alone?

6.    Vaseline. It serves more purposes than you may realize. Trust us.

7.    Handcuffs and assorted tethers…you know…in case you’re shacked up with a friend and you’re bored…OH! And in case someone tries to break into your home to steal your crap. Yup. That’s it.

8.    On the subject of B & E’s, an array weapons for protection purposes. It’s a mad world out there. In times of crisis, people will do absolutely anything in order to acquire what they need to survive. Automatic weapons, semi-automatic weapons, sniper rifles, knives, baseball bats, explosives, etc. can all be counted on to properly defend your home. The more the merrier, we always say. You can never have too much fire power. It should go without saying that you should be able to actually operate these weapons. Don’t just stock up on crap you have no idea how to use. That will accomplish absolutely nothing, but it will increase the likelihood of getting yourself killed (which might actually do the rest of us a favor).  

9.    Enough non-perishable food items and water to feed a small army, even if it’s just you. Better safe than sorry. You don’t want to make a gross miscalculation and then be forced to eat your beloved pet. You’ll never forgive yourself and we won’t be able to forgive you either, which means that when this is all over, Mako Services, Inc. will be coming for you. Have we made ourselves clear?

10. A fully stocked first aid kit for obvious reasons. Maybe we should’ve listed this higher on the list…

11. Rain gear. It gets a little wet during a hurricane.

12. A rowboat, raft, or a canoe in case of flooding and transportation becomes necessary.

13. Umbrella. Like we said in #12, it gets a little wet during a hurricane.

14. A way to heat up food, water, etc. The manner in which you accomplish this is entirely up to you. Just keep in mind that there’s no electricity so anything that requires being plugged into an outlet in order to work is not an option.

Things that aren’t vital, but are nice to have:

1. Crowbar to assist you in opening things that may be blocked…or beat someone over the head that might be trying to steal something from you or who is a zombie.
2. Goggles to help you see better in water.
3. Floaties to help promote floatation. 
4. Lingerie. No need to let yourself go just because a natural disaster is upon us.
5. A nurse or doctor’s outfit so that you can volunteer your services at the local hospital, which will probably need as much help as it can get. Of course, if you’re feeling selfish, this item will be of no use to you so feel free to disregard it. It’s just nice to have.
6. Air mattress. If your house becomes flooded, an air mattress will suit your needs better than a standard-issued mattress.

These lists can be used to plan for any impending natural disaster...or kegger to be quite honest. Unfortunately, if you are like most Americans, you probably have none of these items handy and will have to contend with the other idiots running amuck and ransacking the local supermarkets and sex shops to stock up. Just remember that had you prepared in advance, you could’ve be sitting on the couch, drinking your bottle of Jameson right now, relaxing, and waiting for the world to end.

Tip #15: "I am an earthquake survivor!"

I’ll tell you, living on the East Coast and never having experienced an earthquake before, I really did not know what to expect. In fact, I did not even know at first that it WAS an earthquake. I thought maybe someone was onto my secret alias and bombed my building in an attempt to eliminate me.

But once the ground started shaking more profusely, I realized what was going on.  I immediately jumped up, grabbed my bag, tape, walkie talkie and the hardhat from my supervisors chair. Running through the ground level of the hospital, I did my civic duty of warning everyone to get out of the building. “Everyone get out! The building is collapsing!! We need to get out now! Now! Now!” As people started panicking and racing around grabbing their belongings, I made my way upstairs into the heart of the Emergency Department. I continued warning everyone of the imminent destruction of the hospital and began pushing patients out the doors to help the attending physicians evacuate the bedridden, poor, helpless souls. I was very noble and selfless in my endeavors to save everyone.

I ran up the 3 flights of stairs and over to the psych ward warning everyone I saw along the way. All the nurses were panicking and unsure about what to do or how to keep the crazy patients from jumping out the windows. Barbed wire, perhaps? I expressed to them my concern for these patients and turning back to look, I noticed they were running in zigzag patterns screaming about the end of the world and wearing strapped on helmets. Look at these crazies. I directed them to the stairs and started arguing that they needed to trust me and get as far away from the building as possible! “Get off of the campus and across the street!”

I continue up the stairs. The building swaying me back and forth on the staircase. The cemented walls starting to break behind the foam padding, I can hear it cracking and see the shifting as I make my way further up the building not thinking for a second about my own life or the fact that I may die here in this god forsaken hospital. I should have taken the job at St Francis. Further and further I climbed simultaneously warning everyone as the building showed its instability.

Finally. I reached the very top. and tried my best to get everyone out. Then, out of nowhere, the shaking desists. What? I intercommed the security office from my portable communication device…

“Eagle Eye to Base! Come in base! Whats going on? The quake seems to have dissipated.  Are we dead?”

“No, you asshole! It was just a minor tremor! Residuals from an earthquake in Virginia. You got to be kidding me! You made everyone panic! There are psychiatric patients being sent to the ER from getting hit by cars cause YOU told them to run across the street!!! What is wrong with you!?”

Oops.

Later that day, I was greeted by the Chief Security Officer of the hospital who was, well, less than pleased with my efforts. He put me on probation for 6 months and mandated that I do “hospital service” for the full term to help out and repair the mental damage I apparently did to the psych patients.

I actually became very good friends with a few of them. Turns out we have a lot in common. Go Figure.

Tip #14: Celebrating Shark Week

It’s that most wonderful time of the year again, folks and before you stupidly respond, “Wait, it’s not December,” please keep silent or prepare to suffer the consequences. Shark Week 2011 kicks off July 31^st at 9 pm with Great White Invasion. God, just thinking about it sends shivers down our spine in excited anticipation.

Since important holidays such as this deserve proper observance, we’ve decided to educate you in the art of Shark Week Celebration so that you don’t screw this up like everything else that you do in your life.

1. If you have a Facebook account, fan the official Shark Week Facebook page so that you keep abreast of all news updates, advocacy opportunities, events, and programming information. Ditto on the Twitter front.
2. Clear your evening calendar because it’s mandatory that you watch the premier of the new shark specials on the Discovery Channel. On the schedule for this year is Great White Invasion (as previously stated), Jaws Come Home (July 31^st at 10 pm), Rogue Sharks (August 1^st at 9 pm), Summer of the Shark (August 1^st at 10 pm), Killer Shark (August 2^nd at 9 pm), How Sharks Hunt (August 3^rd at 9 pm), and Shark City (August 4^th at 9 pm).  Even better than watching these riveting documentaries solo is throwing a shark-themed party and inviting all of your friends over to partake in the festivities. Bake shark-themed cupcakes and/or shark-shaped cookies (yes, they make shark cookie cutters so no excuses! Even Agent U has one), create crafty shark-themed decorations, and serve ocean blue-colored drinks (alcoholic, of course, or else what’s the point?). Under no circumstances, should you offer shark fin soup on your menu! How barbaric could you possibly be? This is about shark conservation, not butchery!
3. We encourage you to take the entire week off from work to truly appreciate Mother Nature’s finest killing machine. Each day visit a different local aquarium and spend an adequate amount of time in the shark exhibit, studying the species’ nuances and differences. Appreciate the perfection that is the shark. Become so familiar with the shark that you value the species’ purpose in our ecosystem and become sympathetic to its plight.  Of course, be sure you’re in front of a television on time for when the new shark specials air. If finances simply do not allow you the luxury of multiple aquarium visits, feel free to spend your days inside watching past Shark Week documentaries and/or reading up on the species via the World Wide Web (be sure to reference reliable sources and no, Wikipedia is not a reliable source).
4. To promote Shark Week (and become closer to living each day like it’s Shark Week, which is of course the ultimate goal), wear a different shark shirt each day. Here are some recommended examples: Example A, Example B, Example C.

Go forth and be one with the shark. It is your job to make the world a better place for the ocean’s apex predator.

Tip #13: Communicating in Movie Dialogue

Communicating in movie dialogue is a fantastic way to make others feel excluded, especially if a) they’re unable to figure out what the hell is going on or b) they’re able to decipher what you’re doing, but unable to determine what movie you’re referencing and therefore, unable to participate. Bonus points for referencing multiple movies during the conversation in order to really confuse said individuals.

The CEO’s of Mako Services, Inc. are experts at this tactic. In fact, we’re actually the founders of this delicate art. Is it not expected that a rookie practitioner will be able to execute the complicated Multiple Movie Reference Conversation and for that reason we will not spend much time on educating you on the subject. Just be aware that the option does exist for those ready to advance their practice.

1. Expand your movie database. Knowing the ins and outs of one movie is merely a party trick and realistically speaking, you’re not the only one who has memorized The Goonies. You do not possess an impressive skill set in the slightest. Having extensive knowledge of a vast array of movies? Now that’s something to be proud of.
2. Are you able to identify the source of the following movie dialogue transaction:

“What’s your name?”

“Plenty! Plenty O’Toole!”

“Named for your father perhaps.”

If so, you have a promising future as a Movie Dialogue Communicator. Inserting lines like these into your daily conversation proves that you’re not just some jackwagon spouting popular lines from The Hangover. This proves that you’re a movie connoisseur. You’re not to be trifled with. If you’re utterly clueless as to the origin of this quote, you’ve got a lot to learn before you hang with the big boys.  

3. Once you’ve familiarized with a good number of movies like a lover familiarizes himself with his partner, it’s time to make a friend who has the same movie referencing talents that you do and shares an intense dislike for the majority of the people you’re forced to spend time with...like your asshole co-workers.  It is vital that you’re close enough to this person that when conversing in movie dialogue, you can pick up each other’s cues and move to the next appropriate movie quote easily. Even if you’re speaking in movie dialogue that’s completely unrelated to the actual conversation at hand, your partner should be able to understand the direction of the conversation and roll with the punches (note: it is only recommended that you attempt this maneuver when you and your partner can work together as one unit like Sonny Crockett and Rico Tubbs in Miami Vice).
4. Now that you’ve developed your skills and secured a partner in crime, it’s time to utilize your knowledge at the expense of others. The best way to show you how to insert movie dialogue into a normal, everyday (and most like dull) conversation is to demonstrate with a simple example. Say you are milling about the office communal kitchen one Friday, waiting for the coffee pot to finish brewing. You are standing with your partner in crime (PIC) and 2 of your co-workers, both of whom are dull-witted, annoying, and most likely, completely dead space to the human race. Let’s call them John and Doug. Naturally, polite conversation will be struck up in order to prevent an extended awkward silence while the 4 of you impatiently watch the coffee drip slowly, but steadily into the glass coffee pot. It might go a little something like this:

           John: It sure is sunny out

Doug: Lovely weather

John: I’m definitely going to try to get outside this weekend.

You: Do or do not. There is no try.

John: Um, yeah, I guess.

PIC: She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts!

Doug: Who?

You: Wonderful girl. Either I’m going to kill her or I’m beginning to like her.

John: What?

You: Into exile, I must go. Failed, I have. *exit kitchen regardless of whether or not you’ve gotten your cup of coffee*

Next, meet your PIC in a pre-determined location to laugh about how perplexed you’ve made your idiot co-workers. Return to the kitchen to retrieve your cup of coffee, if necessary.

As you can see, communicating in movie dialogue isn’t really that hard to do as long as you’ve got the necessary knowledge. Obviously, the better you become at doing this, the more complicated and/or cryptic you can get with your movie dialogue conversations.

Tip #12: Handling Eavesdroppers

Human beings by nature are curious creatures. If we weren’t, we’d never know the wonder of the light bulb, penicillin, or Reese’s peanut butter cups. The arrival of the internet has cultivated this trait. Thanks to readily available and informative websites such as WebMD and Wikipedia, we can now approach our physicians with pages upon pages of printouts detailing the variety of cancers and autoimmune diseases that correlate to our symptoms. Google Maps and MapQuest have retired the use of roadmaps.

While the internet has clearly fed our desires to know more, the introduction of social networks like MySpace, Facebook, and Twitter has completely exploited it. “Peggy Johnson is burning off the calories at cardio kickboxing!” Who gives a shit? Unfortunately, enough people “liking” or leaving idiotic feedback on these mundane statuses promotes this type of behavior and as a result, it becomes a never ending cycle of nonsense that Peggy shares with the world. Since we’ve become so used to knowing Peggy’s every single activity, thought, and thanks to foursquare, her location at any given time of the day, we feel the need to know everyone’s activities, thoughts, and location even though we’re not entitled to know.

For individuals with a modicum of intelligence, this invasion of personal space is truly terrifying. However, the situation becomes further exacerbated when the invading person is not only someone who you haven’t willingly disclosed information to, but also someone who shares your personal business with anyone who’ll listen. Nothing infuriates the CEO’s of Mako Services, Inc. more than assholes that air other people’s dirty laundry…except maybe slow drivers or Taco Bells that fail to offer packets of Fire sauce to their customers. It’s for that reason that we’ve chosen to arm our minions with the skills necessary to survive an eavesdropper assault and to strike back.

1. Pretending that the eavesdropper doesn’t exist is not an acceptable defense tactic. You may think that by ignoring the individual, they’ll eventually tire of you and stop listening to your conversation, but this assumption is a mistake. Conducting your conversation as though no one is listening guarantees that the eavesdropper is going to pay attention to every single word you say and will most likely repeat it to someone else.
2. You need to come to terms with the fact that an eavesdropper, no matter how many dirty looks you shoot their way, will remain an eavesdropper until the day they eavesdrop on a conversation that finds them in the same situation as Jimmy Hoffa. There is nothing you can do short of “eliminating” the individual that will change an eavesdropper’s behavior patterns. Just accept it.
3. Now that you’ve accepted the faults of your adversary, you need to learn how to combat them or else prepare for the entire office (and potentially people who’ve never met you) to know about that bartender you had sex with on your cruise to the Caribbean last month. Once you’re aware that your eavesdropper has joined your conversation, make sure it becomes as uncomfortable as possible for them to listen. Anything of importance should be conveyed to your confident in a low, clear voice so that he/she can hear you, but your eavesdropper is unable to. Throughout the conversation, raise your voice and randomly insert an awkward word so as to turn off your eavesdropper. Examples of words or phrases that would function in this aspect include, but are not limited to, yeast infection, menstrual cycle, Chlamydia, crooked penises, cancer, gynecologist, nipple hair, Herpes, infection, poop, diarrhea, and UTI. The goal here is to either disgust or freak out your opponent so much that he/she will never want to listen in on your conversations again.
4. Should the above step backfire and you find yourself in a situation where the office suddenly thinks that you have Chlamydia, Herpes, diarrhea, and an UTI, understand that your foe is more deviant than previously thought. Clearly, there’s nothing that this sick person won’t latch onto and spread like a rash. The good news is that their hunger to repeat other people’s filth can become their undoing. Within earshot of your eavesdropper, plant the seed of deceit. Slyly mention to a trustworthy partner in crime that you saw the new PM necking with your boss’ secretary last night during a late showing of Eclipse. Everyone knows that interoffice relationships are a definite violation your company’s policy.  Your eavesdropper is sure to regurgitate this (most likely to your boss) and when the rumor proves to be unfounded, your eavesdropper will look and feel like a real asshole. Is it unfair to drag your innocent co-workers into this? Absolutely, but consider them necessary casualties of war. After all, your eavesdropper will definitely think twice about repeating anything you say again now that your rumors have proved to be unreliable. Your co-workers will bounce back from the incident sooner rather than later anyway because the rumor you instigated was a blatant lie.
5. Ignite the fear of god in your enemy. This should only be used as a last resort because you don’t want to find yourself in a situation where you’re reported to Human Resources for “creating a hostile work environment.” That never ends pretty. Approach the eavesdropper in a secluded location of the office and before doing anything, make sure that there are no witnesses to corroborate the eavesdropper’s story. Under no circumstances should you put your hands on him/her. You may leave marks on their person, which provides them with the evidence that they’ll need to report your ass to higher authorities. In case you couldn’t tell, that would be a bad thing. However do make the eavesdropper think that you would put your hands on him/her if the need arose. Your threat should be terrifying and convincing enough to make the eavesdropper think that spreading your dirty laundry is not worth the physical pain that you’d deal them as punishment.

Just remember, the CEO’s of Mako Services, Inc. are a mere email away if you feel that you’ve exhausted all of your resources in dealing with the eavesdropper(s). For a small fee, we’ll be more than happy to handle the situation on your behalf. It’ll be like they never existed.

Tip #11: When You Truly Hate Your Job

There are people in this world who actually get a sense of joy and satisfaction out of their occupations. These individuals are typically doctors, lawyers, marine biologists (basically professionals who’ve had to work extremely hard and earn multiple degrees in order to achieve success in their particular field), or simpletons that don’t realize they should hate themselves and their situation.

Some people simply view their occupation as a source of income. Sometimes it’s enjoyable and at other times, misery inducing.

However, there is a third category of employees. Those whose very blood is saturated with utter contempt for their co-workers, department “vision” or “mission,” authority figures, and day-to-day job functions…and usually not without good reason. It should go without saying that any job that conjures this type of involuntary production of venom in an individual should be left for greener pastures (unless of course, you are a species of venomous reptile. In that case, involuntary production of venom is perfectly natural), however here at Mako Services, Inc., we understand that this is not always an easy task to accomplish. Not only is it not easy, but actively pursuing completion of this task is often time consuming and frustrating. In the meantime, you’re forced to continue your service to the evil higher power currently stripping away your dreams, hopes, happiness, and soul. We know just how debilitating this can be for creative and thoughtful geniuses such as ourselves. That is why we’ve created a list of helpful tips to get you through these troubling times until you’re able to find your exit.

1. No matter how bleak things start to look, continue to prostitute your resume on online forums such as Monster and CareerBuilder. In fact, we recommend that you continue doing so during office hours. It’ll be a fantastic and productive way to pass your time spent in purgatory and let’s be rational here. Quitting will only prolong your enslavement, allowing it to slowly eat away any self-respect that you may have for yourself along with your drive to exist. Just be sure to minimize your screen when any of those assholes you work with walk by. You don’t want to get in any trouble.
2. Stick to your headphones like a bee drawn to honey. It should go without saying that conversing with your dreaded co-workers will only add to your despair, which is why headphones are of such great assistance. With your headphones on, it’s completely acceptable to ignore everyone around you because they think you can’t hear them over your music. Therefore when people spot those headphones, unless it’s absolutely necessary for them to speak with you, they’ll simply bypass your desk. The great thing about this tactic is that you don’t even really need to be listening to music. You only need to create the illusion that you are.
3. Keep a bottle of liquor in the bottom of your desk drawers, preferably hidden beneath a lot of work files so that none of the thieving assholes in your department “accidentally” discover it. There’s a reason why people frequently turn to drugs and alcohol when they’re feeling down. These substances temporarily numb any pain that you may be experiencing all the while making you feel great, wonderful, and like everybody loves you. Of course, this only works in moderation. Becoming shit-faced on the job is not the solution as it will lead to you engaging in one or more of the following activities: passing out on your desk and drooling on any papers and/or the computer keyboard, stumbling around the office and knocking over a lot of expensive item (such as the laminator), sending mass emails about how much you hate this place and everyone in it, and/or peeing openly somewhere in the office in front of all your colleagues…like the conference room…during a staff meeting. However, a nip from the bottle here and there will definitely help you get through your day as painlessly as possible. Note: adopting this strategy does not make you an alcoholic. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.
4. We know that you may feel like bringing a semi-automatic weapon into the office and unleashing all of your anger and frustration out on your simple-minded co-workers is a good idea. We understand. To be quite frank, they’d probably deserve it, but unfortunately you can’t do that because for some reason, our country’s laws forbid you from taking such action.  Due to the inexplicable unaccommodating nature of this nation’s legal system, it is in your best interest to release your anger and frustration in the most stealth way possible. Hire a “consultant” and be sure to take a vacation day on the day your office is scheduled for “spring cleaning.”

Remember, our dear little wretched creature, do not give up the good fight. One day, hopefully soon, you’ll find something better and then you can blow your current taco stand with two middle fingers extended toward the sky. Afterwards, you can enlist us to return to the scene of your grief in order to “handle” things on your behalf. Please keep in mind that we will require a deposit. Review examples of our Services Agreement and Confidentiality Agreement for further information.

Tip #10: How to Survive When Stalked by a Terminator

Let’s face it. You’re pretty much screwed if you find yourself in this situation, unless you can outrun bullets or stop their trajectory with your mind. If that’s the case, you might want to consider registering for classes at Charles Xavier’s School for the Gifted. However, if, like majority of the human race, you aren’t blessed with really cool super powers, there are strategies you can adopt that will increase your likelihood of survival as proven by John Connor’s success. For those living under a rock somewhere in the Arctic, John Connor is the leader of the Resistance and if you had to ask that question, you have bigger problems than a Terminator being stuck to you like white on rice.

1. Just like joining the Witness Protection Program, you will need to assume a new identity. A Terminator will already be programmed to know your full name and to use whatever means necessary to track you down. Abandon the house, ditch the cell phone and car, clean out your bank account (you need as much cash as possible since it’s now become a matter of life and death that you cease using your credit cards), steal a car (or buy one…with cash…stealing is cheaper), cut ties with anyone you care about, and get the hell out of Dodge. This prospect may sadden you, but it’s better than being dead.
2. Based on hours of researching Terminator, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, Terminator 4: Salvation, and both seasons of the Sarah Connor Chronicles television series, it has become clear that the T-800 series machines (standard metal Terminators disguised to appear human) can not swim. They sink. Unfortunately, this does not mean they sink to the bottom of the ocean and remain there like the Titanic. However, in the time it will take the T-800 to walk to the nearest body of land, you will have swum far away from the danger. We recommend that you either move to an island or live the rest of your days on a boat in the middle of nowhere. Of course, this opens you up to the possibility of having to contend with shark infested waters, but you’ll have to decide which of these ordeals is the lesser of the two evils. It should be noted that if Skynet sends a T-1000 series machine (a liquid metal Terminator as seen in Judgment Day and Sarah Connor Chronicles) to terminate your ass, water environments will not be of assistance since that model is already a liquefied mass. Tough luck.
3. Do not engage the Terminator unless absolutely necessary. You will lose. We’re not being pessimistic. We’re being realistic. You’re small, weak, and pathetic. You cannot defeat a Terminator in a hand to hand fight.
4. If an altercation becomes unavoidable, you must defuse the Terminator as quickly as possible. With each passing minute that you engage in direct combat with a Terminator, the chances of your survival decrease. This does not mean that you should blindly fire bullets in the general direction of the Terminator. Not only will you look like an asshole, but that kind of behavior will most definitely lead to your quick death. In the case of a T-800, disengaging its chip is the most effective method of defeating it. Rendering the machine’s arms useless so that you’re able to get close enough to remove the chip yourself is the most obvious choice (for example, pin its body between the front end of your pick up truck and the cement foundation of a building). Carefully aimed bullet shots to the skull can also dislodge the chip. Once removed, it is vital that you destroy the chip.  Note: a T-1000 cannot be defeated in this manner. See Rule #5 for more details.
5. If you have the misfortune of being targeted by a T-1000, move to a location known for its active volcanoes. The only way to disassociate a T-1000’s molecular structure is to burn it at a temperature that you’re unable to generate on your own accord unless you’re Scott Summers (aka: Cyclops). This is where an active volcano comes in handy. Sneak up behind the T-1000 like a stealth ninja and push it into the boiling lava. Freezing your potential assassin will not destroy it. While it does give you the opportunity to get away for the time being, the T-1000 only remains dormant in its frozen state. One good heat wave will put it back on the prowl.
6. Being paranoid will keep you alive. The T-800’s can mimic the voice of anyone you’ve ever known. When receiving a call, you must confirm the voice at the other end really belongs to who they say they are. Ask specific questions. If this is an ex-lover, quiz them on what your favorite sexual positions are. Your friends and associates may think you’re crazy, but “better crazy than dead,” we always say. T-1000’s are infinitely trickier as they can assume the voice and physical identity of anyone they please. Again, trust no one, ask a lot of specific questions, and keep your distance until identity is confirmed or run the risk being stabbed in the face by an arm morphing into a blade. Always, always be prepared to run like hell. Right now, you might be saying, “But CEO’s, I thought I cut ties with everyone when I got the hell out of Dodge. How then will a Terminator be able to use this ploy against me?” You’re absolutely right. That is precisely what you should’ve done, but how many of you actually did that? We’ll bet that while a small band of people truly followed instructions, a good portion of you didn’t cut ties completely. The rest of you idiots probably kept your cell phone, Facebook, Twitter, and email accounts active. Hence, we present you with Rule #6.  
7. In the future, it is advised that you get in good with John Connor because he has the authority and resources to send what the Resistance fighters call a “scrubbed” (we call it, “reprogrammed”) Terminator back in time to protect you. It is imperative that you either become his BFF or an invaluable asset to the Resistance. Connor needs to care enough about your existence that he’d be motivated to send you a mechanical bodyguard from the future. Think logically. In Terminator, he sends Kyle Reese, a trusted soldier (who also turns out to be his father), to protect his mother, Sarah Connor. In Judgment Day, Rise of the Machines, and Sarah Connor Chronicles, he sends several “scrubbed” T-800’s to protect his younger self (and other assorted family members). As you can see he’s only used this technology to protect what’s most dear to him. You need to become as important to him as family or else you’re shit out of luck. If you’re female, we recommend manipulating Connor into knocking you up with his love child. Remember, this is a matter of life and death.

 Keep up the good fight, future Resistance fighters and never forget this piece of advice: if a Terminator shows up at your door with the request, “Come with me if you want to live,” you should probably listen. Terminators are programmed with specific missions (for example: Terminate John Connor), so if the machine hasn’t attempted to kill you on sight, you can rest assured that you’re probably golden.

Tip #9: How to Reclaim Your Bed from Your Partner

The whole purpose in dating someone is to see if they’re someone you’d like to spend the rest of your life with in an underground bunker when the world ends. Typically, if you’re happy in your current state, you take the relationship to the next level, and so forth until you either marry the individual, become “life partners,” or “dispose” of them.

Regardless of how happy you are there comes a time in a relationship when you’re not quite ready to murder your partner yet, but you’d still like a little space. Whether you live with the person or participate in regular “slumber parties,” reclaiming your bed is a simple way to gain this desired space.

1. Sleep in your shared bed as a dog would. Stretch out along the foot of the bed and spread out as if you’re a giant Great Dane. Bonus points for digging a foot into his/her lower back and sporadically kicking throughout the night while you “dream.” When he/she attempts to move you, make your body as limp as possible so that it’s extremely difficult for him/her. If he/she continues, bite him/her and follow it up with a low snarling sound. Just like sleeping with a dog, he/she will have to evaluate whether to put up with this or leave the bed to you. While most people will tolerate the dog (or cat) because they’re cute, cuddly, lovable, and don’t know any better, it’s unlikely that people are willing to put up with this kind of crap from a human.
2. While in bed with your partner, hold a pillow down on his/her face. When he/she struggles (and yes, he/she will struggle. You are cutting off their flow of oxygen and the instinct to survive will kick in), sigh irritably and say simply, “You’re making this a lot harder than it has to be.” Eventually, your partner will say something desperate like, “I can’t breathe.” Laugh hysterically and cry jubilantly, “I know!” Of course, since you’re only trying to get your bed back, you’ll have to remove the pillow at some point so that you don’t kill your partner (unless that’s your end goal. In that case, proceed with the suffocation process). This type of behavior will frighten your partner and cause them to question whether or not it’s really safe to share a bed with you. Mission accomplished.
3. Snore loudly and incessantly. Ignore any protestations coming from your bedmate. Eventually, the sounds emanating from the back of your throat will become so annoying that he/she will vacate the bed and relocate to the guest room or couch. Score. 
4. Eat in bed. Be sure to chow down on foods that leave an abundant supply of crumbs behind in its wake. While you may find this concept somewhat revolting, it is a necessary evil to secure a night of solitude. The irritating feel of crumbs rubbing against the skin of your man/woman will anger and disgust him/her enough to prompt them to leave. Change sheets only when you’re ready to relinquish your space again. To make it seem like you care for the needs of your man/woman, lie and apologize for being so clumsy, sloppy, irresponsible, etc. Say or do whatever you need to in order to get that person to quit bitching and come back…at the very least to quit bitching. Who really cares if they come back?
5. Drink heavily and pass out face down in starfish pose in the middle of the bed so that your partner has no choice but to sleep elsewhere. Yes, your hangover in the morning will be a slight inconvenience, but the upside of this is the fact that you’ve slept alone in your bed for the first time in weeks! Congrats! Well worth it, we say! There is potential for your partner to give you the silent treatment as a result of your actions, but that’s pretty positive if you ask us. Not only did you get your bed all to yourself, but now you have peace and quiet. Good job!
6. Drooling is also often effective and we’re not just talking about a little spittle here. Gather enough saliva in your mouth so that it’s actually uncomfortable for you to hold it any longer. Once you’ve generated an ample amount, roll over, nestle up to your target, and simply open your mouth so that it oozes from your lips onto its destination. Voila! We assure you that no one will want to remain there no matter how much you “apologize” for the incident. Note: it’s extra annoying if when you roll over, you hook your arm around that person so that they have trouble moving away from the atrocity dribbling from your mouth. Extra points for being able to cough up some phlegm for that saliva bomb. Plus, it gives you the added excuse, “I’m sorry. I’m sick. *cough, cough*”

As you can see, manipulating the situation can earn you a night’s solo rest and the space necessary for you to survive your relationship. If you feel that this is not enough space for you, perhaps you should reconsider this whole relationship thing and find a hobby more suitable to loners such as yourself…like solitaire or gun cleaning.  

Tip #8: Partying with Ewoks

They may be adorable furry little creatures, but rest assured that Ewoks can do some serious damage if provoked. Those of you who’ve witnessed the genius of Return of the Jedi know what we’re talking about. In addition to their ability to adequately defend their homeland, Ewoks know how to throw a party. Animal House learned all that they knew from the Ewoks. Now you’re probably saying to yourself, “Damn. I wanna party like they do on Endor. That is the shizzle!” Well, you can, but not without heeding these words of wisdom:

1. Never abruptly take off your hat or helmet in the presence of an Ewok. It makes them uneasy and it might prompt them to stab you with their spear. For starters, they don’t know what a hat or helmet is. They don’t wear them. When you’re that small, any foreign object is initially going to make you wary. Secondly, you’re not trustworthy. Therefore, any sudden movements on your part is going to cause an Ewok to go ape shit and that’s how you end up stabbed. To put things into perspective for you, an Ewok nearly stabbed Princess Leia for pete’s sake and you’re nothing in comparison to Leia!
2. Learn basic Ewokese. That way, when an Ewok tells you to, “Akeeta,” you friggin’ listen! There’s a reason that Ewok is issuing you an order. The species did not survive battling The Empire on sheer luck. The Marines’ basic training course consists of warfare tactics created and perfected by the Ewoks! Think about that. Furthermore, if you hear a pair of Ewoks speak the word, “E s'eesht” and eye you warily, run, do not walk, away from the scene about to unfold. It means, “kill” and no good can come of that for you. This is where having an understanding of Ewokese will be beneficial to you. Not only will you be aware of the fact that an Ewok “hit” is about to be committed against you, but you can also take proper measures to pacify the aggressors. Perhaps impress them with the word, “Jeerota” (friend) while pointing to yourself. The fact that you’re able to communicate with them may be the key to a stay of execution. We can’t always be there to tell you when an Ewok is about to murder you or how to fix things! You must learn to take care of yourself if you mean to survive…actually, now that we think about it, this policy should really be applied to all cultures across the board. We recommend that you stock up on as many Rosetta Stone programs as you possibly can in order to truly cover your ass. Not only could it save your life, but an advanced knowledge of linguistics will open dozens of doors for a new career in the “trade” industry! It’s a win-win.
3. Get a good night’s sleep. If you’re going to party with the Ewoks, you need to have stamina. These little furry f*ckers put all-nighters to shame. Be prepared to participate in celebrations lasting several days and consist of dancing, feasting, and imbibing alcohol (do you not recall the party at the end of Return of the Jedi? That shit was no joke). Don’t for one second believe that you can catch a quick cat nap in a secluded hut without getting busted. Ewoks are stealth like Steven Segal. They will find you and they will punish you for your indiscretion (they’ll most likely try to roast you over an open flame like Han Solo and Luke before C3PO stepped in and saved the day). If you can’t play with the big boys, stay on the bench.
4. Start building up your alcohol tolerance now. If you’re a pansy bitch who pukes on the first night of partying, they’ll never respect you. Get your shit together. No self-respecting Ewok pukes on the first night. At the very least, wait until the third night. Plus, no one likes a lightweight. If you’re the type of person who gets tipsy off of one drink, do us all a favor. Stay home and stick to your one glass of wine with dinner. There’s no room for you at Chateau Ewok. Before you claim that there isn’t any evidence to support this statement, we assure you that there has to be some element of truth here. We hate drinking with pansy bitches and therefore Ewoks must feel the same way because they’re very logical, if slightly paranoid creatures.

If, after reading these helpful bits of information, you feel confident that you’re willing and able to party Endor-style, then by all means, rock on with your bad self! However, do not be ashamed to admit that you’re a mere fledgling in the grand scheme of fiestas. Don’t get us wrong. You’re still a bitch, but at least you’re admitting it and that kind of self-awareness can save your life…not the amount of respect that society will extend your way, but in any case, you do get life. However pathetic and meager it may be, your heart still beats and you’re able to breathe. Congratulations.

Tip #7: A Traveler’s Guide to Mordor

By now, it’s nearly impossible to find an individual who hasn’t seen any of the Lord of the Rings movies, read the books, or at the very least has some familiarity with the concept and/or characters. However, what you may not know is that Middle Earth really does exist and Frodo Baggins is a complete idiot.

We have no doubt that most of you will be eager to explore the secrets of Rivendale, the charm of The Shire, and the glory of Gondor, but will you give no thought to Mordor? Yes, that’s right! You too can visit the fiery splendor that is Mordor provided you’re capable of walking without assistance over an extended period of time and great distance, under the age of 70, not pregnant and/or suffering from any heart conditions! The consistent black smoke of the region does prompt the Mordor Embassy to advise those with asthma and/or small children to avoid the excursion, but it’s not prohibited. In addition, you should journey to Mordor without following in the steps of Frodo since he clearly is the King of Poor Decisions. Below, we have detailed all of the information you’ll need to know before beginning your trip to Mordor.

1. A tour guide is strongly encouraged, especially if it’s your first time experiencing what Middle Earth has to offer. However, before hiring a guide, please do your research. Frodo allowed a deranged, schizophrenic, and mutated hobbit to assist him in his journey and look how that ended up. Not only did that nut job try to kill him by leading him into Shelob’s Lair, but he also bit Frodo’s finger off. What the hell kind of tour guide does shit like that? If Frodo had only listened to reason (aka: Samwise Gamgee), he would not have been in a predicament like that. A good rule of thumb is that if your tour guide arrives and he/she is creepy, skulking, hardly wearing any clothes, has big bug eyes, bad teeth, and mere wisps for hair, WALK AWAY. He/she might be a very nice person, but the odds are good that he/she isn’t, so why risk it?
2. While Mordor can be very exciting, like any other major city, it has its areas that should be avoided. For example, Shelob’s Lair. In fact, unless you have an intense spider fetish, that whole trail to the Lair through the High Pass of Cirith Ungol should be avoided. For starters, the path takes you past Minas Morgul, the home of the Witchking (Lord of the Nazgûl) and it’s completely terrifying. We’re trained specialists and we want nothing to do with that place. Secondly, in order to reach the Lair, you have to climb the face of a steep mountain using the Winding Stair, a “staircase” that could not possibly have passed fire code (and needless to say, is not handicapped-friendly). Is it worth it? Other locations that fall into this category are Barad-dûr, the large black tower in the center of Mordor that houses the Eye of Sauron, and the Dead Marshes. Barad-dûr should be self-explanatory (and if it isn’t, you’re a moron and should not even be considering a highly intelligent trip such as this), but we know what you’re going to say. The Dead Marshes sound super exciting considering the history of the place, most notably, being a section of where the Battle of Dagorlad took place (for those of you ignorant, the Battle of Daglorlad was when the Last Alliance combated the forces of Mordor and during which Isildur cut the Ring of Power from Sauron’s finger). Surely the marshes can’t be so bad? You just want to take a few pictures to show the folks back at home. Trust us. This kind of attitude is a mistake.  It’s true that several battles were fought at or near this location, making the Dead Marshes a site to be salivated over by history fanatics. The problem lies in the fact that following the Battle of Dagorlad, no one bothered to clean up the carnage and as the marshland encroached upon parts of the battlefield during the following years, the dead became engulfed by it, creating what is now known as the Dead Marshes. You still may think that this sounds utterly fascinating (ooooh, I’ve never seen a watery, swampy cemetery before!) and while we might agree with you on that notion, we assure you that it’s not fascinating enough to risk your life to see. It is said that those who become hypnotized by the dancing lights beneath the water’s surface (Gollum referred to them as the “candles of corpses”) and attempt to touch the bodies, drown in the water and join the dead. Not very pleasant sounding, is it? When Gollum guided Frodo and Sam through the Dead Marshes in the Two Towers, Frodo lollygagged (as he tended to do) and became entranced by these lights and dead faces. Of course, because he is the King of Poor Decisions, Frodo tried to touch one of the faces before Sam stopped him. Had he succeeded, Frodo never would’ve made it to Mount Doom in order to destroy the Ring of Power and we’d still have a Dark Lord running amuck. Do you see why this might be a problem?
3. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you can’t see any of the battle location. The Dead Marshes only encompass a small portion of the battlefield. The principle site of the fighting was the Gorgoroth Plains. Now used as grounds for Orc revelry, it is currently a grey wasteland. It may not be sexy, but it still holds immense historical value without having to deal with the creepy dead lights and swampland.
4. Other sites of interest include the Black Gate, which is the main entrance to Mordor and one of the region’s more recognizable attractions, and Mount Doom, the origin of the Ring of Power and source of its destruction. Just a bit of advice though? Mount Doom is a tad volatile and steamy; therefore you should be prepared with warm weather clothing and ample amounts of SPF and able to run quickly and over long distances at a moment’s notice.

We do hope that you enjoy your stay in Middle Earth and your visit to Mordor. Taking the proper precautions will ensure that you’ll not only have an amazing experience, but that you’ll survive it as well.

Tip #6: How to Survive/Win an Office Holiday Decorating Contest

If you work in the corporate environment, you’ve been forced to participate in some form of holiday activity whether it was a party, luncheon, Secret Santa gift exchange, or decorating contest. Prior to forming Mako Services, Inc., the CEO’s suffered from having plenty of experience in each of these arenas, all at the hands of the same office. You actually have to wonder how anyone managed to complete their work with all of this holiday hoopla going around. On many occasions, the brunt of the activity planning and executing fell to us. You get abused in this aspect often enough and you start developing a rebellious nature. You start completing these tasks because if you don’t, you’ll be penalized, but you do so with flair of your own style, taste, and passion. You need this kind of attitude in order to survive or else you’ll wind up a miserable minion. In fact, even though you may meet resistance at first, you’ll find that your cohorts will catch your fresh and new energies like pink eye and submit to it. This resurgence among your teammates of joy and excitement over the unknown will prompt them to follow you anywhere, even through the mists of Avalon or fiery pits of Mordor. Bearing this in mind, listen to our advice and you will conquer not just the decorating contest, but the entire office as well.

1. It helps if you have some sort of creative artist-type working on your decorating team. Hopefully, you’re that person so that you can control the entire operation and simply dictate the tasks and responsibilities of each person. A creative artist-type person has a very different mind than a technical person. They have vision and know exactly what to do and how to do it in order to see this vision come to fruition. If you’ve got an entire team of technical people working together without any sort of imagination, you’re doomed to a theme of well-executed boredom. At the pinnacle of our power held at this office, we chose “A Hogwarts Holiday.” A Hogwarts Holiday could encompass all holidays since it’s generic (even though the books and movies only dealt with Christmas), making us the only politically correct team in the entire department.
2. Once you’ve got an innovative and reasonable (meaning that in the time allotted and with the supplies and resources available, you’re actually able to believably accomplish it) theme, you must commit to it like you’d commit to a lover. Hold it, nurture it, caress it, support it, be one with it. Think about how you can transform your assigned space, literally every nook, bookshelf, column, and doorway, into becoming your theme. We divided our blocks of cubicles into the Hogwarts’ Houses (Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw) and designated each office a Hogwarts Professor. It was up to the cubicle and office inhabitants to do what they needed to in order to embrace their house/persona. The Hufflepuff crew all wore paper yellow and black neckties adorned with the house crest. Dolores Umbridge’s office was papered with all of her Educational Decrees. These are the types of things you need to think about.
3. Once the base of your canvas is complete, it’s time to add the details. Looking around the space, one could clearly see that they were standing in Hogwarts simply by looking at the house banners and professors’ offices, but what made it special? We researched the different kinds of textbooks that students at Hogwarts might have been forced to use, created book covers with these titles, wrapped already existing books in these covers, and left them scattered around the multiple filing cabinets in the office. Additionally, we covered the entrance door in brick paper and hung a sign that said, “Hogwarts Express 9 ¾.” On the other side of the door, we posted a hand drawn picture of the Hogwarts Express, the train that transports the students to Hogwarts each year.
4. Make it fun for your judges to “judge” your space. Observing the decorations is one thing, but participating in it brings the experience to a whole new level. If you’re having an Irish Christmas, why not serve Irish Soda Bread and Bailey’s (trust us, a little booze won’t get you in trouble and it’ll be much appreciated)? We instigated a little competition among the judges and declared that whoever found the most hidden Dobby’s would win the Goblet of Fire. Unfortunately, this prompted a few of the mentally handicapped judges to ask what was in the Goblet of Fire, but you get the picture…   
5. Finally, if you’re still not feeling confident about victory, wait until everyone goes home the evening before judging and ransack the other sections’ decorations. It’s important not to just destroy the decorations, but to remove them entirely as if they’d never been there to begin with. Besides, if you put as much energy into your theme as we did, there’s no way you can lose so if you actually do lose, it’s obviously a rigged competition. If that’s the case, what’s the harm in vanquishing your lying, cheating enemies via destruction?

In the rare circumstance in which the contest is fixed or another team legitimately outdoes you, know that if you adhered to our policy, you’ll be congratulated on your originality and dedication. We’re obliged to forewarn you that you should in no way assume that this guarantees that you’ll get a pay raise. At least rest assured that when you walk the halls of your office, you’ll now be looked at with an awe that stems from the knowledge that lying beneath your peaceful corporate exterior is a dormant artistic storm that is not to be trifled with. In our case, we have wands and absolutely no problem “Expecto Patronum-ing” your ass into another universe. How does the Bog of Eternal Stench sound to you?